Stigma

A Surviving Facts Blog

Even with so much body positivity across social media and other platforms, weight continues to be an acceptable bias. Even with science beginning to understand the mechanics of metabolism and weight gain, many doctors still don’t seem to understand the difference between men’s bodies and women’s bodies, the difference in our metabolisms and how hormones impact weight.

I have a long history with weight. I have lost 40 pounds over the year and am closer to my post college weight than I have been in a long time. But what do I say- setting a poor example for my daughters- when I see pictures of myself in Catina’s wedding photos? I say, “Ugh, I look so fat. You can’t tell I’ve lost weight at all.”

When I was in my mid twenties, I gained over 100 pounds. I was a dancer in high school and part of college and in that crazy skewed world, my 102 pounds wasn’t good enough. I thought I was fat, though I wore a size 0. And then I developed an endocrine issue, and I rapidly gained weight. That opened me to a completely different world.

So much changed. When you’re 5 feet and weigh 102, men try to pick you up- as in lift you off the ground. At least they did when I was. My petiteness somehow broke down body boundaries and without asking, they’d pick me up and throw me over a shoulder like a sack of cement. I hated it. I’d try to ground myself, pushing to sit down on the floor so gravity would work against them.

When I gained weight, of course, this no longer happened. My weight kept men at more than arm’s length. Men didn’t look at me. At all. The glance was always to the side as if I were invisible. The irony of female largeness equaling invisibility is never lost on me.

Even more, many men didn’t talk to me. I’ll never forget a work situation in which a male executive never spoke to me until I lost over 100 pounds. When he said “hello” to me, I actually looked behind me to see who was there. No one. He was talking to me?

Women were no better. At a literature lecture, a thin French woman refused to shake my hand. Lest you think I’m imagining this, she literally said, “I don’t want to shake your hand,” and she walked away.

Other women looked sadly on as I squished myself into airplane seats. And still others couldn’t hide the horror they felt just looking at me. The horror hollowed out their eyes and removed any chance at connection. What if obesity were contagious?

My life changed dramatically after I lost over 150 pounds. Imagine 15 ten-pound bags of potatoes. I carried that on me. I had medical assistance to lose that weight. I had tried every trick known to science at that time. But this was still the dark ages of obesity and being fat was my “fault.” People assumed I binged or ate enormous meals. I didn’t. I had an endocrine issue- which is now part of traditional medical literature- that was considered “experimental” then. I had one doctor tell me (a female doctor) that she didn’t believe in it. “It was made up.” Fifteen years later, I saw a male reproductive endocrinologist who took one look at me and diagnosed me. He said, “How could doctors miss this? It’s obvious.” I credit him with providing the medication that brought weight loss and helped me conceive Catina.

I have maintained this weight loss for nearly twenty years- with some fluctuations from “the life change” and extremely high levels of cortisol from chronic stress at work. Many people don’t know that high levels of cortisol prevent weight loss and cause weight gain. I recently lost the weight from that period of stress and I feel so much better. But as noted when I saw myself in photos (I’ve never been photogenic; being short doesn’t help), I still criticized. I so appreciate the support I have gotten from my community- thank you, this isn’t about you!

Statistically, overweight women (and short women too) are less likely to succeed. They are promoted less frequently, get fewer choice projects and fewer opportunities. When I first moved to New York City many years ago, one interviewer actually told me I was too fat. I didn’t get the job- and this was after publishing articles I had written for them before they met me in person. After meeting me, they never published any of my articles again. And even many years after that, a promotion for me was debated at my work because I was fat. Thankfully, I had a boss who saw my talent and championed me.

That’s not to say I didn’t work hard. As an obese woman, I had to work harder. I worked longer hours, I always did more than asked, and I turned around high quality projects with definite results. I kept up those habits after losing weight- it is who I am.

Why write about weight? One of my daughters was recently put on a new medication. This medication is highly successful, but it causes weight gain. It’s known for causing weight gain. As she has gained weight, I have to fight my own prejudice, my own fear. It has brought up my own painful memories of being overweight largely out of my control. But how does anyone know that? They don’t. They will assume she eats too much because she can’t control herself or some other BS bias.

We are working on solutions for her. She knows she needs this medication but she also knows how harsh society is about weight. So I practice praise. She is beautiful. Period. Don’t tell me otherwise. I practice patience. We will get this balanced out eventually, but the medication is more important than physique right now. And I practice teaching self-acceptance and resilience. We each need to embrace our talents, capabilities AND possibilities, which I know from my own experience, isn’t dictated by weight. No one was ever going to tell me what I wasn’t worth. And I will make sure my daughter knows that too.

So I ask all of you: are you biased about weight? I bet you are, though like many biases, it’s unconscious. I’m not judging. I get it. But it’s time to acknowledge this and accept people as they are. I won’t stand for anything less from myself or my daughters. After all, we are walking this journey together.