Oops! I did it again.

A Raising Autism blog

I’ve written about girls on the spectrum many times. Both of my girls are ASD, and each have unique challenges. My younger daughter struggles with angry outbursts and self esteem. My older daughter represses emotions until she implodes-or explodes- both words work. Either way, the fallout envelops me like a roiling forest fire. I’m ashes on the road to healing.

As much as I endeavor to handle my daughters well, I sometimes/often? don’t. I forget the delicate balance of their neurodivergence between emotional and cognitive processing and executive functioning. Words are like layered paint strokes on a canvas. The color may look green, but scratch below and you find black and yellow. With this complexity, my daughters’ talent of microscopic logic can morph into an emotional tsunami before I can brace myself against the force.

I shared in a previous blog that we are in the process of making significant life changes. After 30 years in corporate America, my life suddenly shifted. I’ve been writing and developing this blog, and thanks to you, my readership has exploded. It has now caught the attention of some important people, and I now have a fantastic opportunity. But to do this, I need to hunker down to write.

Our large house requires lots of care, so we’re downsizing- selling our house and nearly everything in it. While we will find roots again- we’ve bought some acreage in a town nearby and plan to build a smaller house- we’re going to be wanderers for a while. Chuck and I plan to alternate between road and international travel and time settling our new property by living in a motor home. The goal is to give me plenty of quiet space to write, which is where my big opportunity is.

Now, while this is going on, we need to settle our daughters. And this is why my new mess up occurred. The issues are always silly ones. Last night, it was tiny houses. Yes, tiny houses. I’ve decided to settle my girls with houses of their own- small ones where they will be safe and always have a place to return to or regroup at if life circumstances don’t go their way. With their complicated level of neurodivergence, launching into adulthood with all of its challenges won’t be easy. So, we are setting them up for safety and self care.

My husband found a company that only designs and builds ADUs, accessory dwelling units, which can be added to a property as non- permanent structures designed for a specific purpose. These have become popular as home offices or age-in-place domiciles for elderly parents. The company uses software to design a structure in minutes. My husband and I had done this and had brought home the illustrations to discuss with the girls.

When I pulled out the sheets, my daughters were engaged in other activities. Both had worked about 8 hours that day. My older daughter is packing for moving into her dorm in two weeks. My younger daughter was decompressing with her dog. I should have recognized they were not in a place for discussion, but I barreled ahead anyway. I pulled out the description sheets and illustrations and started talking size dimensions, doors, windows, colors- a lot of information to absorb without concentration. Neither daughter expressed excitement or gratitude. Immediately, they began to point out what wouldn’t work- the size, the color, a door placement. All of this can be changed- we hadn’t made any commitments yet- but what I heard was, “this isn’t going to work.”

So, I huffed and took my papers, muttered something about “gee, thanks, mom” (can you say passive-aggressive?) and marched from the room.

My daughters were bewildered. They had no idea what they had done. I had papers with illustrations. Wasn’t the need to respond to the specifications?

What I wanted to hear was, “Oh wow, thanks, Mom, for doing this. Let’s talk it through.” What they heard was: detail, detail, detail- respond to detail.

In truth, the timing for this discussion wasn’t right. Their minds were focused elsewhere, and I hadn’t prepared them for the conversation or clarified what I was needing. Lest you bluster into the same mistake with your neurodivergent offspring, here’s a few tidbits of advice.

1. Timing is important. If your child is tired, has been in engaged in an activity for a certain amount of time during the day, demanding more focus time will end in breakdowns- either their breakdown or yours. Neurodivergent individuals require rest and transition time between activities.
2. Clarify what you want. Engaging in a conversation designed in my own head was a mistake. I know better. I should have asked if they could concentrate on what I needed and then told them what I needed. I did neither.
3. Realize that words and conversation are many layered. I may be using words in abstract rather than concrete ways. Saying the dimension is 20ft by 20ft doesn’t automatically translate into, “that’s great.” My daughter needed a breakdown by feet to assess whether a kitchenette, bathroom and bedroom could fit. When she immediately dove into that level of detail, I had a missed expectation. I wanted reassurance first.
4. Don’t seek reassurance. Your neurodivergent kid, if they are like mine, aren’t immediately demonstrative. And that’s not what they need to be doing anyway. If I need reassurance, I should be looking to myself and why I need that rather than placing an unrealistic expectation on them.
5. Don’t get into a battle of meanings. As noted above, words have multiple meanings- denotation, connotation, metaphorical, analogical, etc. Focus on the concrete level first.

My attempt at conversation descended into argument, and in this case, I was at fault. My older daughter is the one who actually helped me see the disconnect we were having. She said, “Mom, you’re using all these words and they mean all these things. I don’t know what you want.” I had showed her a color chip and she said, “I don’t like it.” That’s what she thought I was asking. I wasn’t. I was seeking a broader, “what are the options” discussion.

One of the advantages, among many, of neurodivergent children is their brilliance. Sometimes, they do know better and know more. Sometimes, I just need to stop talking and listen. They have a lot to share and say when they’re ready for it. But they have to be ready.

I would love to hear from you, even if, especially if, you disagree. Perhaps we can bring back the American tradition of debate. Please like and share this blog with others. Subscribe to receive it by email and go directly to the Walk the Moon website (www.walk-the-moon.com) to peruse the full collection of articles and updates. You can email me from the Walk the Moon website as well.