The Groom

A Surviving Facts Blog

With all of the Epstein and Trump news lately, SA has been on my mind. As a survivor myself- a story for another blog- this is a topic I sadly know about. What has fascinated me is our society’s and media’s attempts to sublimate it by using words to weaken the horror. We call underage victims “young women” rather than “children.” We call men “abusers” rather than “rapists.” The news places pictures of smiling children with their abusers. These pictures hide the horrors of girls kidnapped into situations out of which they cannot extricate themselves. We try to make people comfortable with one of the most, if not the most, heinous forms of crime. We separate ourselves from the public figures photographed with known pedophiles and rapists such as Epstein and Maxwell. These people attended “parties”’rather than sex trafficking events.

But these images and softened words weaken the horrors. They provide space for doubt. They trick us into being comfortable with terrible things, for those things are hidden behind the smiling faces looking glamorous, polished and harmless.

We are being groomed.

Grooming is an exposure process. You are given more and more inappropriate information until it seems normal. With SA, specifically, it is the process of exposing potential victims to explicit language, behavior and violence over time so that the impact is reduced. When the abuse and rape do occur, the victim is “prepared.” Their abusers have created an environment in which such behaviors happen. It’s like wading into a cold pool. With the first step, you experience an icy shock. But with each additional step, you become more comfortable. By the time you are completely submerged, you are used to it. Grooming is the entryway to sexual abuse and acceptance of that abuse.

I have been groomed both as a child and adult. It’s clever and progressive, so much so that years may pass before you realize you’ve been groomed. That’s how I experienced SA in my forties.

I was going through one of the most difficult times of my life: divorce. On the stress scale, divorce is only preceded by the death of a child or spouse. Divorce is a death. Hopes, dreams, the future, an entire identity dies- at least that’s the way I experienced it.

During this time, I became close with a man whom I had known for years, primarily through professional engagements. When I was divorcing, we became closer. I thought he was sharing empathy- the mark of a good friend. I was wrong. When I became more vulnerable, emotionally weakened by my failed marriage, he saw an opportunity. It wasn’t friendliness. It was the love of the hunt- a vulnerable creature without defense, a capture in the guise of care.

I was wholly exposed. And naive. I assumed good intentions- I always have. I had been married for 16 years and had been with my ex-husband for 2 years before that. Even more, I had barely dated. I’d never had a boyfriend before my ex- not in the love and commitment way. I had barely been intimate with anyone.

Also, I didn’t understand men. I believed that what men said, they did. I believed that if a man was interested in a woman, it was because he truly cared about her. In spite of my previous horrible experiences with men, I had yet to understand the male sex drive as both physical and mental. I didn’t realize that this drive is foremost for many men, overriding reason, morals, intentions and even self-interest. A predator was the “bad guy” in prison, not the friendly gentleman across the room. I hadn’t read “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” because I foolishly didn’t believe in the differences beyond the sexual organs.

The grooming began so simply. A phone call. How was I? Did I need anything? How could he help? How considerate, I said to myself.

The calls became more frequent and lasted longer, sometimes late into the night. He flirted and probed. He promised enduring support and friendship. By the time he suggested a date, I was wholly submerged in his reality. He was going to save me from the devastation of my divorce. He told me he loved me. He sent cards, gifts and steamy texts. He promised to support my dreams and pay for items I couldn’t afford. I thought we were in a committed relationship.

Now to you, this may all seem like what happens between men and women. But there were factors that made us unequal. He was in a much higher company position than me. Although we did not work at the same place, interrelated work projects connected us frequently. I was far below his level and very much in service to him. He could impact my employment and reputation. I didn’t grasp the “politics” of this relationship differential- at least not then. But he did. He asked me to keep our relationship secret- a request that revealed his awareness of impropriety and inequity.

I recently listed to a Podcast about writer Neil Gaiman’s sexual harassment of young women (if you don’t know who Gaiman is, look him up. I’m sure you’ve seen his movies or read his books). Gaiman is what made me think of Epstein and my own experience. Gaiman groomed so deftly that women believed they had chosen the outcomes as partners. Only after did they realize the manipulation and abuse.

And so it was with me. Thinking back now, our level and authority difference take on a dimension of advantage rather than free will. I had never fantasized or imagined a relationship with him. In fact, I didn’t want one. But he love bombed me. I became caught in the whirlpool of his promises. Suddenly, I was saying and doing things with him I’d never done before and never wanted to do. If you listen to the Tortoise Media podcast on Gaiman, you will understand what I mean.

One day, over a year later, he ghosted me. We had talked daily for over a year and suddenly he was gone. I was still whirling in his eddies. The sudden absence was unbearable. I became crazed with loss and unkept promises. I couldn’t shift to a new reality. I wanted the fake reality back.

This experience led to a horrible depression. I was destabilized by what I knew as real and what was real according to him. My mind spun incessantly. I stopped sleeping and eating. I repeated myself constantly. I overshared and engaged people who didn’t need to be involved. My adrenaline pumped so much cortisol that I was in continual fight, flight or freeze mode.

When others found out about the relationship, he gaslighted. I’d made it all up, he said. But that’s when my gift saved me. I’ve shared before that I am a documenter, taking notes, saving texts, emails, cards and letters. I had a record that this relationship had seemed real- at least to me and he had made it seem so, even if he wasn’t sincere. This habit prevented me from irrevocable damage I won’t share here.

I’m skimming a lot of the gory details for privacy reasons. My point, however, is that these kind of men know exactly what they are doing. They are experts. They know who to pick. They know how to groom.

Think back, then, to the children Epstein and Maxwell abused. Virginia Giuffre, one of the most vocal survivors, committed suicide a few months ago. Yesterday, on a tape from Air Force One, Trump told reporters that Giuffre worked at his Mar-a-Lago spa. Epstein, Trump says, “stole her” from him, an interesting use of words given what Epstein and Maxwell have done. It suggests that Trump chose her first before Epstein and Maxwell did. Giuffre was groomed and discarded by all of them- as every SA victim is. Her reality was reshaped and reformed until she was no longer useful. Ultimately, it took her life.

Now I’m not saying my experience is the same as what happened with Epstein and Maxwell. What I am saying is that grooming is sleight of hand, hard-to-catch magic. Women or men caught up in this trickery are damaged. The next time you read news on the Epstein, Maxwell and Trump saga, realize what’s really going on, what has been agreed by a court of law: Epstein and Maxwell are criminals. Trump participated. A list exists. Records exist. Don’t fall for the softening. Don’t fall for pardons and reality reshaping. Call it for what it is: abuse, rape, sexual harassment, crime.

I would love to hear from you, even if, especially if, you disagree. Perhaps we can bring back the American tradition of debate. Please like and share this blog with others. Subscribe to receive it by email and go directly to the Walk the Moon website (www.walk-the-moon.com) to peruse the full collection of articles and updates. You can email me from the Walk the Moon website as well.