Butterfly

Into the wilderness: Story 50

Imagine the life of a butterfly.

First, the egg clinging to the underside of a leaf, miniscule yet tough. Its chorionic shell hides a waxy center with enough joules to form life. Inside, a yolk both produces its new self and serves itself as food for the larva to consume as it grows. It’s a paradox, of sorts. Feeding on one’s self to grow larger and become new.

Then, there’s the larva transmogrifying into the voracious caterpillar. The egg doesn’t hatch as much as it inverts from the inside out. It eats and eats and eats growing larger, developing striped colors. Every moment is consummation.

The chrysalis is next. The butterfly caterpillar converts its ingested food into a pupal shell hardening to resemble a twist of leaves dangling from a branch. Inside is a marvel. The pupa breaks down and reforms, gelatinous caterpillar goo into a structurally complex butterfly, wings enfolded tightly waiting to unfurl. When it’s ready, the butterfly will slowly emerge, allowing its wings to dry before taking flight.

In the past 18 months, I have been this butterfly.

Everything familiar and customary about my life has changed. I had a regular day job. And then I didn’t. I had a five-year plan. And then I didn’t. I had an entire network and community. And then it changed. I had a career. Then I had… I’m still working on this.

I’m not complaining or lamenting. While some of these changes were voluntary and others weren’t, I am exactly where I want to be. But: change is hard. Agonizingly hard, even when it’s wholly wanted.

I am transmogrifying myself.

Instead of a corporate career, I’m reforming myself as my profession. This next phase of life is me, my talents, my stories. It’s working. Each blog entry now receives 15,000 to around 30,000 reads. Yes- that many zeros- thank you to my readers! This tells me my stories resonate. My messages are more than personal. They embody universal truths in which my readers find themselves. The lived human experience binds us together. Our pains, our dreams, our joys- they are not as different or as isolating as we may think.

Likewise, my community is different: more personal, supportive and compassionate. My enormous business network built upon decades of association is still here- but my relationships have shifted. I seek personal bonds and shared experiences over business goals. I seek stories that embed in the brain and heart, becoming part of my very being. I yearn for emotions that mark us as sentient beings capable of connecting with and caring for each other.

I am downsizing as well. We have lived in a large home for years. We are giving that up, seeking land for building our “age in place” nest. With this comes shedding- getting rid of the accumulations of years. So many things without personal value- I work through each room of my house assessing items and asking, “Is this something to take with me?” I shop less as well, for each item now has an accompanying question: “What will this mean to me in a year, five years, 10, 20?” And, “will this be something I want my children to have to deal with when I’m gone?”

I seek silence into which I can embed myself and rest in thought and spirit for a time.

This is exciting and positive. But it’s also emotional and exhausting. Becoming something new- dismantling every micro moment of being, allowing it to melt and then reform slowly and incrementally into something new- this is an incredible endeavor.

And so imagine that butterfly’s journey, my journey. I no longer voraciously consume the possibilities of new. I no longer place myself into a suspended shape. I AM the suspension, the chrysalis in which the gelatinous goo of being dismantles itself atom by atom and restructures into a completely different form. This new form is near, and I will have more to share soon. Until then, if I’m silent, if I’m tired, if I’m moving slowly, if I’m, perhaps, even unpresent or unproductive- this is because the hard work cannot be seen. The output is within.

I would love to hear from you, even if, especially if, you disagree. Perhaps we can bring back the American tradition of debate. Please like and share this blog with others. Subscribe to receive it by email and go directly to the Walk the Moon website (www.walk-the-moon.com) to peruse the full collection of articles and updates. You can email me from the Walk the Moon website as well.