Softly, Softly

A Surviving Facts Blog

At least a decade ago, a British friend of mine used to say, when faced with a challenge, “softly, softly catch a monkey.” His lilting West Country accent dramatically underscored the saying. His words always made me chuckle, but the saying was more than funny.

Until he used this phrase, I had never heard it. It caught my attention. Americans say, “go get ‘em” or “grab ‘em by the [whatever],” emphasizing aggression with sports-fan-like glee. I was used to the “American Way.” This saying, however, taught me more than a lecture ever would have. Sometimes achieving goals is best done gently, carefully, slowly. “Softly, softly” is now one of my favorite sayings.

I love challenges- almost too much. If I lack a challenge, I look for one. The complete absorption, the hook, the immersiveness- these are qualities my brain likes to chew on. I was used to tackling problems. Pushing through barriers, barreling through blockages. I could make anything happen through force of will and commitment. But here was this silly yet profound statement which suggested an entirely different way of achievement. It suggests brains rather than brawn. Patience rather than push. Quietness rather than bluster. It illustrates almost perfectly the difference between British and American culture. Indeed, this is the EQ version of negotiations rather than IQ.

In working with other cultures, I learned to slow down. I wrote emails and started meetings with pleasantries and personal interest. I remembered what was said so I could follow up the next time. I listened for the pauses too. There’s no need for incessant chatter. We can break and breathe. And mostly, no matter what, I tried not to suggest anyone is wrong. Saving face is the currency of ego. I won’t say I mastered all of this but in nearly 20 years of global work, softly, softly always took me further than barreling through like a defensive end on an American football team.

I thought of this “softly” saying because of Trump. No one can say Trump has ever “softly, softly” anything. Rather, he’s gained notoriety by yelling, “you’re fired!,” a phrase he still volleys. He belittled Zelensky as if he were a teenager missing curfew. Trump has spoken admirably of Putin, Kim Jong Un and Hitler. On the world stage of politics, Trump demands- he wants Greenland, for example. He bushwhacks- his deportations, for instance. He boasts- “he [Schwab] made 2.5 billion!,” he said to an avid billionaire audience of men. Musk too with his underage cohort of IT buccaneers has taken the same bullish approach. If I were to compare the styles of softly and aggression, I’d call the first almost Victorian and the second WWE.

What confuses me is the admiration for bluster. In the US, we mistake cruelty for honesty and loud-mouthed leadership for candor. I myself have made this mistake- and I see it clearly now. I apologize to any of my past colleagues and staff impacted by this error. My own self-criticism aside, I have never lacked compassion. What I see today in US political leadership, particularly on the far right, lacks empathy, understanding and identification. Compassion has been lost to crassness.

Here’s my question: when has kindness ever hurt? If kindness means we put humans rather than corporations first, I will step first in line every time. When my end of life comes, I would rather reflect on humanity over money. Money, as a revered book says, is the root of all evil. Actually, Apostle Paul said this. Sadly, ultra conservative Christianity seems to pick and choose Biblical teachings rather than embracing the zeitgeist of the whole.

In my mind, I have a pet monkey perched precariously on a floppy tree branch. Jumping toward him will only chase him further up the tree. So, I peel a banana and place gooey pieces along the branch. The monkey nibbles one, then another, coming ever closer. Softly, softly, catch a monkey.

I would love to hear from you, even if, especially if, you disagree. Perhaps we can bring back the American tradition of debate.

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