Lockdown and Lifting Off

Into the Wilderness: Story 25

Imagine spending 18 months of your life in a temporary stasis, your entire being protected by sameness and structure. Then one day, one you’ve prepared long and diligently for, your cocoon opens and you slip out into the air. You unfold your wings, allow them to dry for a few minutes in the sun and then you lift off, wind currents buoying you for brief seconds before a net ensnares your freedom pulling you down.

This was Catina. After a year and a half in treatment, she graduated, came home and started school. Within a month and a half, Covid 19 exploded, her school shut down, and she has been stuck inside, except for a brief in-person school moment, ever since.

I don’t know how she has done it. She has been a teenager, for sure, sometimes moody, sleeping too much, hibernating in her room. She has been sick of us- and why wouldn’t she be? What teenager wants to be stuck at home 24/7 with their parents? She has been typically sassy and fun, when she chooses to engage. We have to nag her to do chores. But again, nothing surprising for a teen.

But no breakdowns, no dark moments, no I-have-to-get-out-of-here-before-I go-crazy emergencies. I could ponder why but instead, I recently sat down with Catina and asked her.

Mom: What has lockdown been like after being in treatment for so many months?

Catina: I would say lockdown has been a similar experience to treatment. I can’t really go out and I’m stuck where I am. But there’s no treatment. The hard part is that I had gotten a taste of freedom with going to school and spending time with friends before Covid, so that has made lockdown a little harder.

Mom: How have you coped through this?

Catina: I really like reading. I read a lot. I try not to be overwhelmed. I was away from you for a long time and being at home- how busy it is, the demands of every day life- can be overwhelming. That’s why I spend time away from you.

I find comfort in my comfort characters (that’s a thing, you can look it up). Mine are in anime. They comfort me because I get to watch them live their lives.

I also draw a lot. It’s something fun to do. It calms me down. It’s a calming fun.

Mom: How do you think treatment prepared you for this?

Catina: Before treatment, I wasn’t able to self-soothe. I would be fighting a lot. Sometimes I still fight with my sister, but not much and it doesn’t last long. If and when I have gotten overwhelmed and anxious, I have known how to manage it without making it turn into something bigger like a panic attack or a fight.

Treatment helped me find who I am. I know to distance myself when I get upset so I don’t get into a fight. I learned how to stay in “wise mind” at treatment and I work at staying in wise mind while I’m here. If I wasn’t, I’d either be in my head too much, which is reason mind, or too emotional, which is emotion mind. I stay in wise mind because I can step out and look at my responses to things and ask questions. I can add reason to emotion and emotion to reason and that basically gets you into wise mind.

Mom: You’re going to college next year, how has it felt preparing for that?

Catina: Stressful as all hell, especially since it’s hard to reach out for help. I mean you can. It’s just harder. I’ve missed a lot of things and that kind of sucks. I will miss prom, graduation, school events. I’ve never had any kind of linear school experience. But there will be other times for this. Like in college. I can live vicariously through Sophia.

Mom: What do you think you could have done better during this time period?

Catina: I haven’t been really good at routine. I should probably have more routine than I do. Also, self-care. I don’t always get dressed in the morning.

Mom interrupts: …or put on deodorant…

Catina: I knew you were going to say that.

Mom: Do you feel you’ve stayed connected to friends?

Catina: It’s really hard to stay connected in lockdown. I have one really good friend, Noah, who I contact all the time and a larger group I talk with sometimes. I’m both an extrovert and an introvert so I don’t always need to be with people. Having Noah consistently and sometimes the others is good enough for me.

Mom: What other things have helped?

Catina: Having my music and singing lessons. It’s calming and fun.

Mom: Why do you think you haven’t had any blow ups?

Catina: Because of these coping mechanisms. How long is this interview?

Mom: One last question, what advice would you give teens during this time?

Catina: Try to stay positive. I know this is not fun and it’s hard to be positive. But I would try my best. If there’s anything that stresses you out, stay away from it. Like news sources. Some people are stuck in really bad places. I would hope even they can find the positive. Nothing lasts forever. One day we are going to get out of this. The world will be different, yeah, but we’re still not going to be stuck at home all the time. We will have different, but new, lives.

The interview ended with Catina playing with her dogs, singing to some tunes on her phone, then she bounded back upstairs. Wise mind? Yes. Oh, yes. I’m comforted that her folded wings will unfurl again when the windows open and the wind lifts her aloft.